Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
