you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
