Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The uberlube is also flammable
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize