before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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