Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
