don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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