Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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