My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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