you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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