people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
