Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
