Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
