saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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