Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
