im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
