been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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