just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
