On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
