I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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