dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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