so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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