Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
