remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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