Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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