drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
