so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
