fuck your aforementioned shoe
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
