Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
