I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
