if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
