pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
