dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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