So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
