genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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