1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
