so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
