hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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