I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She needs sedatives and a leash
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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