the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
