I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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