i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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