he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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