I am puke
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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