Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
