The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
