sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont even know how to be here
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
