Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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