i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
