I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
try to milk me bitch
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