even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
