Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
