I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
