ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
