if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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